I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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