I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
