Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
