i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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