They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
