how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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