some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
