Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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