I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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