Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
