Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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