I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
