You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
