I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
