My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
