Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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