If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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