I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
