Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
false alarm. still invincible.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
