blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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