We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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