Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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