if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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