Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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