If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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