alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
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Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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