My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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