he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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