Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
