I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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