Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
