I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Sext me about skeletons
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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