i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
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On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
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Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.