As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
