I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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