how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
