WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
