My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
