Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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