I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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