I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize