I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
