this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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