It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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