I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
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I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
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This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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