I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.