From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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