The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
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Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
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NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?