How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
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It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
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He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.