my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.