Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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