You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
