he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
