I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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