This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
