I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
